Nothing is particularly special about a day when you wake up feeling gray. Still, I had hoped to hear — if not words — at least a familiar breath. To see a familiar face.
I called your number under the guise of an excuse, though I shouldn’t have needed one. The truth was, I just wanted to vent. I even blamed it on my schedule, as if that could spare me the embarrassment of admitting what I really needed.
The truth is, I had no one else to call.
Somewhere along the way, my solitude had quietly turned into loneliness, unannounced. And I was struggling to accept it.
The truth is, you were the last person I ever imagined calling when the gloom became too much to bear. And yet, within seconds, I was reminded why I would rather drown in my own tears than reach out to your cold ears.
“What is it?” you asked, with agitation and haste.
Not a “hello.” Not a “how are you?” Neither before nor after.
As if all I ever do is call to bother you. As if I ever call at all.
A lump quickly formed in my throat and nearly gave me away before it dissolved. But I played tough for my own sake. I played it cool. Still, I couldn’t believe your indifference, and I felt the impulse to let you know.
“Relax. Why the rush?”
The words sat on the tip of my tongue. But I stopped myself.
And instead of being playful, instead of noticing, instead of taking that moment to ask about me, you rushed the call yet again.
“Did something happen?”
In that moment, I was grateful for the miles between us. Grateful that you couldn’t see the shine gathering in my eyes, or the fresh hurt you had added to a heart and mind already carrying more than it could hold.
I hope you remain the last person I ever think to call when I’m crying on the inside. When my day feels like hell. When my mind is anything but alright.
Because instead of making me feel better — simply by being a familiar voice on the other end of the line — you reminded me why my circle is so small. Family, friends, or acquaintances.
And you reminded me why loneliness sometimes feels safer than reaching for the wrong words.