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Familiar, Not Safe
Nothing is particularly special about a day when you wake up feeling gray. Still, I had hoped to hear — if not words — at least a familiar breath. To see a familiar face. I called your number under the guise of an excuse, though I shouldn’t have needed one. The truth was, I just wanted to vent. I even blamed it on my schedule, as if that could spare me the embarrassment of admitting what I really needed. The truth is, I had no one else to call. Somewhere along the way, my solitude had quietly turned into loneliness, unannounced. And I was struggling to accept it. The truth…
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The evergreenness of emotional pain
I know stages. So many stages that I now know that the last stage of anything usually means it’s either blooming or dying. (There’s no sugarcoating in the human experience.) The extent of some physical invasions by diseases can be classified by stages nowadays. Neat. It doesn’t mean it makes things easier. I think it’s our human nature to not want to know what lies ahead — I blame the fear of the unknown. But it can’t be a bad thing either knowing how you’re going to end. Anyway, all this preambling is just to ask: does heartache have stages? We are well aware of the stages of grief (denial,…
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Birthday triggers and a sunrise
Every year around the sun has come with a new challenge since my decades climbed more ladders. I’ve had to pick myself up from every imaginable scenario; through the existential dreads, mood swings, from every harmful mental stage. I’m glad that I have, but it always leaves room to wonder, have I gotten this right? Should I care? And, why? And it seems like a thing that one day came to stay: good ol’ birthday sadness. So the question remains: why is my birthday so triggering instead of bringing me happiness? It seems the farther I go into my double digits the harder it becomes to dig it. Everything and…
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Music to her brain
What felt like a breakdown was probably a combination of hormonal changes and the realization that my present was bigger than anything I had imagined in the past. The realization that the parent who raised me and bulled her way through the ups and downs of life, without anyone by her side, is now only a shadow of what used to be a blazing light. Some time ago, my mother was diagnosed with dementia — the loss of cognitive functioning, like the ability to think rationally, remember, and express her thoughts. Although I’m not sure yet of how much I want to share of her story, I will say that…
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Without trying
Sometimes I get up in the morning with the sunshine on my face, and I look in the mirror and I sing and I dance, and appreciate the life in my reflection. I want to wear my vibrancy out loud and dress to impress when I get this rush, this need to be and do the most; to occupy every single space and minute with anything other than breathing, to conquer the world — whatever that may mean these days. I just want to do so much I feel the burn in my veins. And then come the down days. My depressive episodes get the best of me. I sit…
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We’re all trying to keep it together, are we not?
How are you feeling about today? Me? Overwhelmed. Politics, still a pain; climate change, a concept too strange…for many. Not everyone’s on the same page. I fear ending up in the same room with people with different views sometimes. For peace of mind’s sake, I’d prefer those with whom I wouldn’t have to pretend that I’m alright with a life concept other than my own. I speak my mind too hard. And I know I’m not always right, but common sense sticks around, I like to believe, and reality checks itself all the time, in my mind. I’ve learned through time that, under the same roof, it’s better to keep…
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Erased
If I went away, would it even be noticed by anyone? If I stopped creating, would it even make a difference on this page? If I left today, would there even be anyone stopping their Sunday? If I said I wasn’t okay, would there even be anyone listening? If I erased everything, would there even be any empty space? If I screamed for help, would there even be anyone at the other end? Is this your case?
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Gone Good Old Twitter
I’ve always joked about how “influencers” and Instagram models are going to be so homeless if, one day, IG simply disappears. With its ever-changing algorithm, I’ve always thought of it as a yet another very fleeting moment in time. Because, let’s be honest, IG seems to be the least reliable of all social networks when it comes to promoting your work… or so I thought. Little did I know it would actually be, what I used to call, my “home base” that would suddenly become the most troubled of all platforms. I’m talking about Twitter, of course. Why does it even matter? Well, for those of us who grew up in…
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To Say It or Not to Say It
They say some things are better left unsaid; that silence is golden and never to say anything that doesn’t help the situation. They say a thousand things about “things you shouldn’t say,” and they have whole lists out there. They say so much about staying silent, too, and I do agree…with part of it, when said for certain reasons and at the right moment. But is it ever the right moment when life is a constant contradiction? When “speak now or forever hold your peace” can be a life-changing decision? In an argument, your choice of words can make you or break you. Better to remain silent when you’re angry.…
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Revolving Door Tribulations
The day I found out perfection couldn’t be achieved, I knew I had one thing and one thing only left to be: unapologetically human. Flawed to the core. Shamelessly vulnerable. Breakable. Of all this, I find the latter is the hardest thing to be. You’re breakable from the moment you’re conceived; accepting such fragility is what makes it tough. Because who wants to let a life go to waste just like that? Who wants to seem weak? We’re obsessed with being strong in the face of adversity. You’re always trying to dodge the bullet, but life is a revolving door and it will bounce back. It will hit you right…
