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Protecting your heart and state of mind
Half my life, I’ve been protecting my heart so damn hard I subconsciously isolated myself. I haven’t grown cold, though, just wary. I am not incapable of attachment, I’m just cautious. The thing that leads you to protecting your heart is that you start recognizing the patterns that once hurt you. You, being a good-natured human being and all, never understood what disrespect and mockery looked and felt like. So you gave out a lot of chances to the people who, often through jokes, put you down. The very people who kept taking advantage of your kindness thought they could do it endlessly, without consequences, and you kept giving them…
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Colors of my vibe and heart
I forget what sweet things I want to write when I look back and realize how many unsent letters I kept back in invisible drawers addressed to no one Knowing damn well there was only one recipient in the pile, only one who didn’t deserve my time but got the best of me day and night Today I sit here in my blues looking at an earth gone dark trying to make sense of the colors of my heart wishing it was only black and white to save me from telling so many emotions apart I was happy once, uninterruptedly content couldn’t understand what they say about mood swings or…
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Erased
If I went away, would it even be noticed by anyone? If I stopped creating, would it even make a difference on this page? If I left today, would there even be anyone stopping their Sunday? If I said I wasn’t okay, would there even be anyone listening? If I erased everything, would there even be any empty space? If I screamed for help, would there even be anyone at the other end? Is this your case?
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In all my wishes
I wish you could feel my thumping heart every time you texted to tear me apart say you can’t come by after disrupting my time I wish you would’ve seen the excitement on my face cause I hadn’t seen you in more than twelve days and it was overdue having you in my bed feeling your embrace I wish you knew how much it hurt when you made me derail, a perfectly clear path for you but flip me around like another page, another prisoner in your jail I wish you knew what monogamy meant to some of us and the million hints you couldn’t get whenever I’d vent I…
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Better Than – Poem
I deserved better. better than those crumbs better than the lies you fed me about work at the epicenter of lock-down I deserved an explanation for her late-night calls and her gleaming smirk when little did I know you two still talked I deserved better than a one-day notice and a one-sided story about us I deserved better than meaningless words and your heart-eyed emojis in other girls’ inbox I deserved a conversation, to be looked into the eye day or night when we talked I deserved warmer hugs and, what were we, after all? I deserved an explanation about the things I was too innocent to be aware of…
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Growing Apart — in short
One day, you learn that life is just going to have a lot of inevitable turns. Then, it’ll take another day for you to accept that reality. Yet, another day comes when you realize that, after all, you’re as unprepared as you were before any of those turns happened, to anchor yourself. To expect, to anticipate such changes — which, if one is lucky, may not happen at all — is not the same as walking by them, through them despite the warning. Feeling the shift with every conversation, with every heartbeat, every memory…quietly fading away. You might not always notice when you’re growing apart from someone, but when you…
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22 Lessons I Learned from Heartbreak
I’ve learned that anyone you care about can crush you into pieces. I’ve learned that heartbreak doesn’t always have a sad face. I’ve learned that “it’ll pass” or “man up” / “woman up” won’t help the healing process. I’ve learned that society believes in rebounds and expects you to erase years of fond memories in a one night. I’ve learned that some people, particularly the heartbreakers, can move on really fast. I’ve learned that no matter how many articles you read about “what not to do when you’re heartbroken”, you’ll do it anyway. I’ve learned that you can look right into the heartbreakers’ eye with a brave face and effortlessly…
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Another Reason (I Don’t Need)
I don’t need another reason to remember why I hide. I don’t need another reason to remind me why I chose this single life; that I’ve been running all this time. I don’t need another reason to question my choice or regret the detours I take when I hear your voice. I don’t need another reason to hate your indifference, or my senseless devotion and the inevitable effects of oxytocin. I don’t need another reason to fool my intelligence, to lie to my family, my friends, my readers, my own goddarn self who knows the truth deep in her heart. I don’t need another reason to prove me right; and…
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The Feeling You Just Keep Feeding
What if I put it in colors, I said, staring at the hundreds of unused color pencils resting on my table. Actually, what if I put it in writing? But how can I put it; there’s no way to put it. I can’t make sense of, you know, that feeling that you just keep feeding, and which proper diet you can’t quite figure out. Some emotions are hard to express when you don’t even know what they mean. I wish everything was as easy as happiness and anger, which we can identify right away, apply logic and manage accordingly. But, oh no. Life is more complex than that, and that…
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Mutual
You’re never too old to be unable to identify feelings, are you? You’re never too old to feel again the things that once felt new, when you were too young to understand that the phenomenon which bugged your stomach and fogged your mind and kept you up at night wasn’t at all lightning bolts; that it was coming from within you, something about chemistry and the heart? When you’re young they tell you, “One day you’ll understand your heart.” Bull crap. They forgot to tell you it’d be a lifelong deal bound to be repeated more than twice. Isn’t all this life experience supposed to make us wiser and, thus,…
