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Carrying more than we say
May is Lupus and Mental Health Awareness Month, and these hold a special place in my heart and life. First, let me just say that although I can’t back this up with data, maybe — just maybe — one of the reasons our collective mental health is sh*tty is because we now live in a world where almost everything is prioritized above humanity. And to be fair, I probably shouldn’t bring the whole world into this. Even though mental illness knows no borders, I’m willing to bet the United States ranks pretty high among countries where mental health struggles, like anxiety and depression, are especially prevalent. To quote the internet,…
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Red flags we call fine
I wanted to write a reminder of reasons I walked away from you, to put shape to the silence that my actions always spoke through. Sometimes when it’s time to explain the why, I never quite play the part, my words fall short of the feeling so I let quiet rest in my heart. And that silence? It echoes louder than anything I could say or do, a punishment in stillness more honest than disagreeing with you. We were never meant to happen, that should’ve been my first sign; a red flag I held like a secret, saw it waving, then called it fine. I ignored it without reason, a…
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The punches you can hardly catch
Her hunched back and distant gaze are a heartbreaking sight. Not the mom I grew up watching; the fast-paced, sharp, almost intimidating force of energy who could walk into a room and either fix your life or tell you exactly why it was falling apart. Or usually both, honestly. If you had told me in ’99 that by ’25 my mom would be a dependent version of herself, I would’ve laughed in your face. Loudly. Probably insulted you, too. Called you crazy…or maybe worse. She was the brain of the family. Honestly, I’d go as far as saying she was the brain of her entire friend group — everyone’s unofficial…
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New gate, same solo me
I made my way to the airport just like I have in the past eight years — on my own. All alone. And I’d make my way to my final destination the same way. In the beginning of everything, I would get dropped off and picked up. I had so many eyes on me. I felt so supported and protected. It went on for a good while. It’s not like I couldn’t take myself to the airport because I always did when I had to. That was one of the easiest parts after moving away from family and friends — being independent, getting myself to places. But on days when…
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Telltales – a Short Story
Everybody knew. Her friends, her dad, even her coworkers, who barely knew Sandra personally, immediately put two and two together every time she told them about her love life—which, let’s just say, happened quite often. She wasn’t shy about it. Smile as bright as the sun. A heart as open as the sky, Sandra effortlessly attracted warm and happy people who’d listen to her rants without any objection. She made it too easy for others to empathize with her. Thus, it was no surprise that when she recounted the story of her Valentine’s Day, her friend Geenie, particularly, felt Sandra’s haunting despair in her soul. “He literally came home and…
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Freezing Warm Sunday Morning
Warm Sunday morning. 11:11 on the clock. Been sitting here since nine sharp. Why can’t I get up, I wonder, as if it doesn’t happen enough times for me to know freezing like this is no surprise. The fatigue of a long past week condensed all at once. I subconsciously try making the feeling of calmness last. And the transition from waking to rising takes its time, it plays by ear, so accordingly I hold back. It’s the reflection of the sun through the blinds that I can’t stop looking at, displayed on the white ceiling like an art installation, is it not? And the ceiling fan spinning nonstop on…
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Music to her brain
What felt like a breakdown was probably a combination of hormonal changes and the realization that my present was bigger than anything I had imagined in the past. The realization that the parent who raised me and bulled her way through the ups and downs of life, without anyone by her side, is now only a shadow of what used to be a blazing light. Some time ago, my mother was diagnosed with dementia — the loss of cognitive functioning, like the ability to think rationally, remember, and express her thoughts. Although I’m not sure yet of how much I want to share of her story, I will say that…
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Let empathy show
Since I love stories of kindness, I’m going to share a short one today. In the lobby of a doctor’s office, I sat quietly next to a few women. They were all seemingly older than me by decades. Different ages, same visiting reasons though. The lobby had the typical relaxed design found at most hospitals — plain, neatly put together, but the space was anything but quiet since the crowd in a TV show erupted every minute. A few chairs surrounded the TV mounted on the wall — some faced it, some were lined up against it. I picked a seat facing the TV, even though I had little to…
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Bluer skies on winter nights
You know all that curiosity baggage that comes with the questions people make about why you don’t like something? And sometimes you don’t even quite remember how it all came to be, but their questioning brings the whole history to consciousness and, ahh, you remember. I say I’ve never liked the cold. They look at me as if I am out of my mind. Why wouldn’t anyone? Why wouldn’t I? I say I’ve never liked the cold as if it were the whole truth, when thinking back, I didn’t mind it as much for about fifteen years. Miniskirts in November. Lace tops under a trench coat in December. Gloveless hands…
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Unraveling Thin Walls
My neighbors go quiet every so often. And on occasions, they’re as loud as a Saturday market. I can tell they’re a couple, unless their idea of “casual” also means living together. Their instability is loud. I can’t quite make out their day-long arguments, but I hear the yelling, the sobbing, and the door slamming. It got me thinking, if that’s love, then I don’t want it. But of course, it is not. Though I never have and never could stay in that sort of relationship, I know toxic when I see it. I’d say theirs is way past toxicity; it’s lethal. I grew up in a peaceful environment, so…
