Birthday triggers and a sunrise

Every year around the sun has come with a new challenge since my decades climbed more ladders. I’ve had to pick myself up from every imaginable scenario; through the existential dreads, mood swings, from every harmful mental stage. I’m glad that I have, but it always leaves room to wonder, have I gotten this right? Should I care? And, why? And it seems like a thing that one day came to stay: good ol’ birthday sadness. So the question remains: why is my birthday so triggering instead of bringing me happiness?

It seems the farther I go into my double digits the harder it becomes to dig it. Everything and everyone’s changing. The people who used to wish you well at sunrise are now a thing of the past. And the saddest part is when it includes your mom — changing as she’s aging…too fast to catch now in her lost mind. Makes me sad that that’s the only way to put it, and it saddens me more to know how things that made her happy are no longer.

Things which in turn made me happy, too, like the birthday song her memory now fails to remember was our little thing every warm September. The phone would ring early morning on my birthday, first call of the day, her dreamy singing voice… I used to close my eyes and listen to her joy. It became one of my favorite things, listening to her sing. I looked forward to it, never imagining one day so near all of that would disappear. And the birthday she didn’t call me for the first time, my world suddenly turned cold. I never knew how much I needed to hear my mom with her well wishes in her singing voice.

Today marked the third year of my maker forgetting my birthday. And even though I knew she would forget again in the next sentence or two, I still selfishly told her, just to hear her sing. She apologized with a great deal of sorrow in her tone, and by the time I told her not to worry, everything we had just talked about was gone. 

I went on to cry in the shower, a birthday tradition anyway. But now I sob for my mama because I can’t feel her love, the sort of love she so expertly poured all over us. And it pains me and makes me anxious not knowing what tomorrow holds — will my face click to her, will she recognize me at all?

The evening came and I went for a walk in the light rain. The breeze was awakening, it renewed my thoughts and hugged my soul. Going from feeling saddened to neutral to happy in just an hour time can be unforgivingly draining, and having to go through those emotions at once on your “special day” sometimes is hard. But it becomes easier to accept when you understand the part societal expectations play. 

Your birthday mood won’t always be of bliss. That is my wish, for me, for everyone. But realistically, whatever we have going on in life is going to show up. I’d say don’t feel pressured. A big celebration isn’t always going to fill your empty cup. Sometimes it’s just a walk in the rain, a table for one, sitting alone in your bed… You don’t need to meet anyone’s expectations of how you should feel on your day.  As heavy as it may feel, it is part of the rollercoaster that life is.

I may not fully accept it now, but I know my mom won’t always be there to wish me well in her singing voice. I know a lot of people are going to leave my life, and that’s all right. I know I’ll have to pick myself up, even on special days because I care about myself. I have had wonderful celebrations where I’ve been truly happy; and I’ve had birthdays on which I’ve been really down and, guess what? I’ve survived. I will survive. 

Today wasn’t “the best birthday yet,” but I had some really cute highlights, like how I didn’t see the sunset, but I saw the sunrise. I never catch the sunrise! It hasn’t been the best day yet, but that was a poignant moment for this virgo gal.