When all else fails, move on

Why are life experiences so repetitive? 

That feeling when you know you’ve been there before, emotionally, and you already know what happens next. It’s so conflicting. It’s like you want to hit fast-forward to see if life surprises you this time. But it doesn’t. And you want to know what the (not so) funny thing about it is? You gained experienced the first time you were there, but somehow you still don’t know how to handle it; what the best course of action is, or what the process will be like.

These are meant to be lessons, but I’ve learned nothing.

What I’m referring to in this particular post is what happens after you disconnect with friends you shared a world with. 

From past experience, I’ve learned that you may have about three options:

1. You can rekindle the friendship by taking action

2. Act like nothing happened and start talking 

3. Let it go, or don’t, but move on without them

In a perfect world, all of the above would be easy choices for grownups. But in the real world, it is easier said than done. For most of my adulthood, I don’t think I’ve been the person who’d pick option two. And, unfortunately, most people seem to love that option. They’d rather avoid having the tough conversation. 

I just can’t move on without ever talking about what happened, how we got there. “Rekindling” any type of relationship without a conversation is like cleaning the house and then throwing all the dirty clothes and trash under the bed — because if you can’t see it, it’s not there, right? Wrong. But that’s what a lot of people chooser to do. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ve had to shed the weight of flaky friendships off my life. 

I will know what lies beneath and it will haunt me. It will come up, and it will have to be brought out again at some point. So why not just get it out of the way?  

To rekindle a friendship that was once healthy is what most people would wish for. Going back to the familiar, to the comfort that was their company, to not having to seek and scoop out the same kind of love and understanding out of someone new, to not have to start all over again… everyone wishes it was that simple.

But what if from past experience you also learned that fixing things without talking about what broke the relationship in the first place is what led to their patterns of (unacceptable) behavior to grow even bolder?

You see, option two may not be the healthiest choice. Those who offer no apologies and no conversation are doomed to repeat it. 

Taking proper action — the most sensible option — would be my ideal. As I’ve said before, an apology won’t fix everything, but it can go a long way. A lot of people struggle with this one. And I get it. I’ve been that person. Far too many people would rather not get their ego bruised than get that once healthy relationship back. It’s astounding to see — and a bit sad. But you can’t stay there.

And then there’s option three. Letting go and moving on, with or without them. The stages of these life experiences, I must say, are not for the faint of heart. It is often a grieving process that not enough people talk about. But have no fear, regret or shame, and do what you must. You can’t hold your breath and wait for them to grow up and finally realize that option one was there the whole time. 

Being the bigger person, especially after you’ve played that role way too many times, gets OLD.

So when all else fails, move on. Life goes on — and so should you.