Not mutual? Not worth fixing

“Blood is thicker than water,” as I’ve found, is just another fairytale. It’s one of the many stories we tell ourselves to try to make sense of what’s important in life; try to make sense of interpersonal relationships. I had always defended the idea that family ties were, and should, come before everything. But inevitably, my own belief bit me in the arse. It turned out to be just another disillusionment of life.

Accepting others as they are; accepting that maybe there will always be different points of view, even among a tight group of people who grew up together, is key to avoiding unnecessary disappointments. I adopted that philosophy long time ago. 

What’s disappointing is that others in your immediate circle might not be as open-minded as you. So, here you are, understanding, acceptant, forgiving — versus them: unhealthily proud, avoidant, closed-minded… it can become a toxic cycle rather quickly. And when one side is unwilling to mend a relationship based solely on pride, sometimes the best thing to do is disengage.

The concept of “chosen family” is an ancient one, but I never quite accepted its veracity because I never went through or never thought I could go through a face-to-face encounter with what family feuds really meant. 

I have built deep, nurturing relationships with friends whom I now call sisters. We’ve gone through the motions of life together, sometimes affected by indifferences and enmity, but we always came back to each other. I attribute it to the fact that we’re all in the same mature, mental capacity to understand that these things can happen and it is up to us to make a conscious effort to put it behind us and work on ourselves. That is my chosen family.

With my biological family, however, I realize the relationship is more driven by emotions. There can be a lot of pride, judgement, and little support or understanding by some, making a broken relationship a lot harder to mend. Familial bonds based simply on “blood” won’t necessarily mean a stronger, more loving, more understanding connection. It truly breaks your heart when you find out on first account why this is true, but I guess it is another side of life that is out of your control. 

Having the same blood apparently doesn’t guarantee a healthy connection, shared interests, mutual respect, and loyalty. Life itself is an eye-opener. Going that route is undoubtedly sad, but stop being the only one trying to meet in the middle. Protect your mental health and detach from those harmful familial bonds. If it’s not mutual, it’s not worth fixing.